- Ivana Trump, on finishing her first novel
Updates
Jewish Settlers get dragged around
Abu Gharib prison photos reviewed
My super exciting trip to Chicago
hippie explodes in our basement
Governor Blagojevich puts teens to work
Presidential Hopeful Howard Dean exposed to gamma Radiation.
Left Lane Law Confusion is alleviated
Tetro-Phonic Instratrute Review uncovered!
2003 in 2003 heats up
Movies, YOU need to see
Bicycling: Remembering a weird guy from SIU
Asheron's Call: The best ten dollars a month you'll ever spend
Special Feature: Anatomy of a Cavity
THE
SOUTH’S GONNA DO IT AGAIN
Redneck's dream becomes reality
by Jerry Atrix
Who
are we to doubt the great Charlie Daniels? When he coined this song in
the mid
70’s, who would have thought he was right? Could we have guessed that
if it restarted, it
would do so in our lifetime? Despite what he didn’t think or know, the
South HAS done it again. Or is, at least,
trying. Last week, country music superstar Willie Nelson pulled his endorsement
from Democratic oddball Dennis Kucinich, and appointed himself President
of the Confederate States of America. Nelson is building an army of former
Howard Dean supporting ‘ guys with Confederate flags on their pickup trucks’.
An official Nelson press release said as follows: “ The tyranny of George
W. Bush must be stopped. After my hostile takeover is
complete, there will be whiskey for every man, and beer for every horse.”
He is also looking for appointees for his cabinet, a few of which he has
already announced. Apparently, he has appointed the Dixie Chicks as Secretaries
of the Press, U2’s Bono as Commissar of Indian Affairs. Wynnona Rider
takes the coveted position of Chief Justice, which we feel is an excellent
pick. In keeping with the spirit of equal rights, he has also appointed
the Reverend Al Sharpton Chairman of the Riverboat gambling commission,
and the Reverend Jesse Jackson as the Chairman of the Abstinence Council.
Rev. Jackson said of his appointment: “ I am honored at having the position,
and would like to teach people that sex outside of marriage is wrong.”
President Bush, after hearing of Nelson’s plan, went into a spastic fit
of rage at having to postpone his fit to Mars. He is now, however, taking
it in stride now. To combat the Nelson hard hitting roster of celebrities,
Bush has appointed neo-conservative favorites Toby Keith and Darryl Worley
(of “Have You Forgotten” fame) as Presidential minstrels. No word from
either side on a Charlie Daniels endorsement, although he was quoted as
saying: “I bet you never did think that it never would happen again.”
We here at The Viable Hiatus will follow this story as it develops.
